I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
