forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
