I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize