Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
