don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
