Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
