no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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