I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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