I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
