That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
