I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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