I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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