He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
