No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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