I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
