I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
