dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
