The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
