I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
