Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
