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I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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