Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
