Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
