Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
