when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Randomize
