no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
