tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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