You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
