I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
