Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
