He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
