Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
