i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
