the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
