u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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