if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
