This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
