Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize