I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
