how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you bring me the toilet please
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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