Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
