Michael Bay diarrhea
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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