do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
