I think I won the penis lottery.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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