Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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