I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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