Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
