I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
