the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
