I wanna bring you to show and tell
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
