You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
