The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
