I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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