I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
