I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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