i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize