brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Your penis caused this!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
