i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize